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word_never_saidSo my Aunt sends me these forwards, and most of the times their sweet but dumb and not worth posting. But I decided I'd post the past few that were real gems.
The only man in the world who's HEART is in his STOMACH!
Anyone want to hazard a guess as to the location of his brains?
Tattoo typo? Man sues over alleged misspelling
For the rest of the article, see here: http://www.chicagobusiness.com/cgi-bin/news.pl?id=24067
Error has caused him 'emotional distress from public ridicule,' complaint says
(Crain’s) — Maybe Chicago really isn’t Michael Duplessis’ kind of town — or “TONW” for that matter.
Mr. Duplessis is suing a Northwest Side tattoo parlor in connection with a tattoo he received that he alleges mistakenly read “CHI-TONW” above a rendering of a John Hancock Center-like skyscraper.
Area girl calls 911 to report grandpa cheating at cards
TOWN OF BURNETT — A 7-year-old girl who thought she was getting the short end of the deal called 911 Sunday afternoon to report her grandfather was cheating at cards.
The Dodge County dispatch center received a 911 hang-up call from a young child around 4:40 p.m. at a County Trunk E home in the town of Burnett, according to a report.
Teens Accused of Making Ostrich Impotent
When officers responded to the scene, the grandmother told the deputy her young granddaughter had recently learned to dial 911 and apparently called when she believed her grandfather was cheating during a family card game, according to the report.
BERLIN (AP) - Three teenagers may be on the hook for a hefty fine if a court decides that their festive firecrackers outside an eastern German farm scared the libido right out of an ostrich named Gustav.
Rico Gabel, a farmer in Lohsa, northeast of Dresden, is claiming $6,450 in damages for the alleged antics of the three youths, ages 17-18, between Dec. 27 and 29, 2005.
According to his lawsuit, the farmer claims that fireworks set off by the boys made the previously lustful Gustav both apathetic and depressed, and thus unable to perform for a half-a-year with his two female breeding partners.
Before Gustav regained his sex drive in the second half of the year, the farmer estimates he lost out on 14 ostrich offspring - worth $460 apiece.
The suit is due to be heard next Monday in a regional court in nearby Bautzen, the court said Monday. The teenagers' names were not released.
Italian woman finds grenade in sack of potatoes
ROME (AP) — A woman in a town near Naples got an unwelcome surprise when she bought a sack of potatoes at a nearby market, put them into water to peel and discovered one of them was a hand grenade apparently left over from the Second World War.
Olga Mauriello had put the potatoes in a vat of water and had just begun peeling them Tuesday when she found the explosive, covered in dirt, police said Wednesday.
An alarmed Mauriello, 74, called neighbours, who in turn called police.
Officers detonated the grenade in a park on Wednesday, state police said.
The grenade was believed to have travelled with the potatoes from France, the ANSA news agency reported.
Catholics call time on long-winded eulogies
CANBERRA (Reuters) - Keep it short, and don't mention sex or drunkenness -- those are the new rules for eulogies at funeral masses in Australia's Catholic church.
An increase in the number of inappropriate comments at funeral masses has prompted Australia's most senior Catholic, Cardinal George Pell, to impose a five-minute deadline on eulogies and deem some areas of a person's life off limits.
The move is designed to cut back on the number of long-winded eulogies by friends or family members at funeral masses, and to ensure the funeral mass keeps its main focus as an act of worship to God and a place for prayers for the deceased.
"On not a few occasions, inappropriate remarks glossing over the deceased's proclivities (drinking prowess, romantic conquests etc) or about the Church (attacking its moral teachings) have been made at funeral masses," Pell's new guidelines say.
He said the comments often embarrassed the priest, the family and the congregation and become the focus of the service.
The Catholic church in Ireland and most of the United States ban lay people from giving eulogies at funeral masses, but the church in Australia allows for a few short words of remembrance from a family member or friend near the end of a funeral mass.
However, Pell's guidelines, obtained by Reuters on Friday, make it clear the eulogy must never replace the officiating priest's homily, or sermon, which should focus on God's compassion and the mystery of the resurrection of Jesus.
The "words of remembrance" should last no more than three to five minutes, or one typed page, and should focus on a person's human qualities and faith," the guidelines say.
"The reflection should be prepared beforehand, and ideally be reviewed with the priest or presiding minister beforehand, to avoid undue length or embarrassing situations," the guidelines say.
The new guidelines say anecdotes, poems or songs, might be better kept for services at the cemetery or crematorium, or for a vigil prayer service the night before a funeral.
The Catholic church is Australia's biggest, with about five million followers, followed closely by the Anglican church with just over four million.
The only man in the world who's HEART is in his STOMACH!
Anyone want to hazard a guess as to the location of his brains?
Tattoo typo? Man sues over alleged misspelling
For the rest of the article, see here: http://www.chicagobusiness.com/cgi-bin/news.pl?id=24067
Error has caused him 'emotional distress from public ridicule,' complaint says
(Crain’s) — Maybe Chicago really isn’t Michael Duplessis’ kind of town — or “TONW” for that matter.
Mr. Duplessis is suing a Northwest Side tattoo parlor in connection with a tattoo he received that he alleges mistakenly read “CHI-TONW” above a rendering of a John Hancock Center-like skyscraper.
Area girl calls 911 to report grandpa cheating at cards
TOWN OF BURNETT — A 7-year-old girl who thought she was getting the short end of the deal called 911 Sunday afternoon to report her grandfather was cheating at cards.
The Dodge County dispatch center received a 911 hang-up call from a young child around 4:40 p.m. at a County Trunk E home in the town of Burnett, according to a report.
Teens Accused of Making Ostrich Impotent
When officers responded to the scene, the grandmother told the deputy her young granddaughter had recently learned to dial 911 and apparently called when she believed her grandfather was cheating during a family card game, according to the report.
BERLIN (AP) - Three teenagers may be on the hook for a hefty fine if a court decides that their festive firecrackers outside an eastern German farm scared the libido right out of an ostrich named Gustav.
Rico Gabel, a farmer in Lohsa, northeast of Dresden, is claiming $6,450 in damages for the alleged antics of the three youths, ages 17-18, between Dec. 27 and 29, 2005.
According to his lawsuit, the farmer claims that fireworks set off by the boys made the previously lustful Gustav both apathetic and depressed, and thus unable to perform for a half-a-year with his two female breeding partners.
Before Gustav regained his sex drive in the second half of the year, the farmer estimates he lost out on 14 ostrich offspring - worth $460 apiece.
The suit is due to be heard next Monday in a regional court in nearby Bautzen, the court said Monday. The teenagers' names were not released.
Italian woman finds grenade in sack of potatoes
ROME (AP) — A woman in a town near Naples got an unwelcome surprise when she bought a sack of potatoes at a nearby market, put them into water to peel and discovered one of them was a hand grenade apparently left over from the Second World War.
Olga Mauriello had put the potatoes in a vat of water and had just begun peeling them Tuesday when she found the explosive, covered in dirt, police said Wednesday.
An alarmed Mauriello, 74, called neighbours, who in turn called police.
Officers detonated the grenade in a park on Wednesday, state police said.
The grenade was believed to have travelled with the potatoes from France, the ANSA news agency reported.
Catholics call time on long-winded eulogies
CANBERRA (Reuters) - Keep it short, and don't mention sex or drunkenness -- those are the new rules for eulogies at funeral masses in Australia's Catholic church.
An increase in the number of inappropriate comments at funeral masses has prompted Australia's most senior Catholic, Cardinal George Pell, to impose a five-minute deadline on eulogies and deem some areas of a person's life off limits.
The move is designed to cut back on the number of long-winded eulogies by friends or family members at funeral masses, and to ensure the funeral mass keeps its main focus as an act of worship to God and a place for prayers for the deceased.
"On not a few occasions, inappropriate remarks glossing over the deceased's proclivities (drinking prowess, romantic conquests etc) or about the Church (attacking its moral teachings) have been made at funeral masses," Pell's new guidelines say.
He said the comments often embarrassed the priest, the family and the congregation and become the focus of the service.
The Catholic church in Ireland and most of the United States ban lay people from giving eulogies at funeral masses, but the church in Australia allows for a few short words of remembrance from a family member or friend near the end of a funeral mass.
However, Pell's guidelines, obtained by Reuters on Friday, make it clear the eulogy must never replace the officiating priest's homily, or sermon, which should focus on God's compassion and the mystery of the resurrection of Jesus.
The "words of remembrance" should last no more than three to five minutes, or one typed page, and should focus on a person's human qualities and faith," the guidelines say.
"The reflection should be prepared beforehand, and ideally be reviewed with the priest or presiding minister beforehand, to avoid undue length or embarrassing situations," the guidelines say.
The new guidelines say anecdotes, poems or songs, might be better kept for services at the cemetery or crematorium, or for a vigil prayer service the night before a funeral.
The Catholic church is Australia's biggest, with about five million followers, followed closely by the Anglican church with just over four million.
